This post is an assignment for part of the Love EVERY Body positivity workshop group I have joined.
We have been stuck with each other for 44 years now, and may well be for another 40 or so and I still don’t understand how we just don’t get along. Inside my head, I want to be this sexy sassy lady but whether you have been size 8 or size 20, my mind never quite feels comfortable with you!
When I was little you were big and you kept getting judged by people. Our mother, cousins, aunts would all comment on you, and we got picked on at school which hurt, a lot! Relatives would always comment on your size while trying to stuff you with more cake! Even years after leaving home, when we go back to visit the first comments will always be ‘Oh you have lost weight, you look older though when you are skinny’ or , ‘You’ve put a bit of weight on, but it suits you to have a bit of meat on you!’ NO need to make any of these comments but they just reinforce how judged I am on how you look!
When we hit puberty something bad happened. Your hair started to thin. You had tests and got told you were reacting to androgens in your body. There were pills that could be taken but they cost thousands every year and I couldn’t afford that. How feminine can a woman feel with thin hair? I wore a hat for years to cover this up. But that wasn’t practical. I will never have normal hair and I have dealt with that, but it still makes me really self conscious and that will never ever go away.
But why should I care? I care because my relationship with you has affected my relationships with other people and it shouldn’t do. I don’t want it to, but it has. My ex husband cheated on me – I don’t know how many times, but the number is irrelevant, just once is one time too many. I felt if only I looked more attractive then he wouldn’t have – but realise now that no, it was just who he was.
|I still thought I needed to lose weight!|
I went out with a guy for two years and towards the end you had got a lot bigger, he wobbled your belly and joked about your size, saying things like ‘Oh, so and so thought my girlfriend was skinny’…he dressed it up in jokes, but they hurt and made me sad. He made fun of my small boobs and my extensions. When we split up, I lost three stone in as many months and did it so quickly that I had saggy skin on my belly, even though I was size 8/10. Even at so small a size, I couldn’t look at you and feel happy. My ex hooked up with me from time to time, as he found me attractive again physically, but he didn’t want me back. You could attract people, but I couldn’t keep them. I felt like a failure. I never felt good enough to deserve happiness and kept folk at arms length.
My most recent ex looked at me a month or two before we split up and said that if you got any bigger it would be a problem for him….you did get bigger and I was in agony inside. We went on a holiday to Cyprus and it was torture wanting to avoid the beach and not being able to wear nice clothes because I felt like a beached whale, and so worried that he would dump me because of you. I got really insecure in my head, and pushed him away before he could reject me (like everyone else I had ever cared for had done), which he did, but it wasn’t your fault really, body, it was my own stupid thoughts and how they affected my behaviour. He was not small – over 15 stone, but when I looked at him I saw someone even more attractive than Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp – his size did not matter to me at all as I loved him for who he was – beautiful on the outside and the inside. I acted insecure and needy and blamed you and that was wrong!!! Yet again I lost someone who I loved very much, because of my own insecurity, not because of you body!
I don’t mind the scars that you have. You have been through a few operations and have been broken a few times. You have stretch marks, which aren’t so attractive but I don’t mind these kind of scars. It is your size that is never quite right and the fact I let the opinions of others affect me about you...
|Weight lost since May 2013|
Recently, I have been getting more comfortable with you. I have lost heaps of weight and am now size 10/12. I have had guys tell me you look hot, but they have also said that you looked hot when you were bigger too. Why do I still find that hard to believe? One male friend told me that it wasn’t size that was important but confidence. He said he would never find an insecure person attractive, no matter how well they looked but a large lady with heaps of confidence was a much bigger turn on for him.
Recently a guy told me what a nice bum I had – and for once I was able to agree! I like my bum – yeah it could be more toned, but it is fine as it is for a woman in her mid forties! He liked my boobs too - said gravity had been kind lol! I've always thought they were a bit small. but maybe small does have its advantages when growing older!
An ex said one of the nicest things to me recently: “To me it wouldn’t matter if you were a size 18+ because you are a beautiful person inside.” I wish I could believe that body and be completely comfortable with you and have that inner confidence shine through no matter what you look like on the outside...