Sunday, 1 December 2013

Dear Body...



This post is an assignment for part of the Love EVERY Body positivity workshop group I have joined.
http://www.justmeleah.co.uk/search/label/Love%20EVERY%20Body

Dear Body,

We have been stuck with each other for 44 years now, and may well be for another 40 or so and I still don’t understand how we just don’t get along. Inside my head, I want to be this sexy sassy lady but whether you have been size 8 or size 20, my mind never quite feels comfortable with you!

When I was little you were big and you kept getting judged by people. Our mother, cousins, aunts would all comment on you, and we got picked on at school which hurt, a lot! Relatives would always comment on your size while trying to stuff you with more cake! Even years after leaving home, when we go back to visit the first comments will always be ‘Oh you have lost weight, you look older though when you are skinny’ or , ‘You’ve put a bit of weight on, but it suits you to have a bit of meat on you!’ NO need to make any of these comments but they just reinforce how judged I am on how you look!

When we hit puberty something bad happened. Your hair started to thin. You had tests and got told you were reacting to androgens in your body. There were pills that could be taken but they cost thousands every year and I couldn’t afford that. How feminine can a woman feel with thin hair? I wore a hat for years to cover this up. But that wasn’t practical. I will never have normal hair and I have dealt with that, but it still makes me really self conscious and that will never ever go away.

But why should I care? I care because my relationship with you has affected my relationships with other people and it shouldn’t do. I don’t want it to, but it has. My ex husband cheated on me – I don’t know how many times, but the number is irrelevant, just once is one time too many. I felt if only I looked more attractive then he wouldn’t have – but realise now that no, it was just who he was.

I still thought I needed to lose weight!
I went out with a guy for two years and towards the end you had got a lot bigger, he wobbled your belly and joked about your size, saying things like ‘Oh, so and so thought my girlfriend was skinny’…he dressed it up in jokes, but they hurt and made me sad. He made fun of my small boobs and my extensions. When we split up, I lost three stone in as many months and did it so quickly that I had saggy skin on my belly, even though I was size 8/10. Even at so small a size, I couldn’t look at you and feel happy. My ex hooked up with me from time to time, as he found me attractive again physically, but he didn’t want me back. You could attract people, but I couldn’t keep them. I felt like a failure. I never felt good enough to deserve happiness and kept folk at arms length.

My most recent ex looked at me a month or two before we split up and said that if you got any bigger it would be a problem for him….you did get bigger and I was in agony inside. We went on a holiday to Cyprus and it was torture wanting to avoid the beach and not being able to wear nice clothes because I felt like a beached whale, and so worried that he would dump me because of you. I got really insecure in my head, and pushed him away before he could reject me (like everyone else I had ever cared for had done), which he did, but it wasn’t your fault really, body, it was my own stupid thoughts and how they affected my behaviour. He was not small – over 15 stone, but when I looked at him I saw someone even more attractive than Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp – his size did not matter to me at all  as I loved him for who he was – beautiful on the outside and the inside. I acted insecure and needy and blamed you and that was wrong!!! Yet again I lost someone who I loved very much, because of my own insecurity, not because of you body!

I don’t mind the scars that you have. You have been through a few operations and have been broken a few times. You have stretch marks, which aren’t so attractive but I don’t mind these kind of scars. It is your size that is never quite right and the fact I let the opinions of others affect me about you...

Weight lost since May 2013
Recently, I have been getting more comfortable with you. I have lost heaps of weight and am now size 10/12. I have had guys tell me you look hot, but they have also said that you looked hot when you were bigger too. Why do I still find that hard to believe? One male friend told me that it wasn’t size that was important but confidence. He said he would never find an insecure person attractive, no matter how well they looked but a large lady with heaps of confidence was a much bigger turn on for him.

Recently a guy told me what a nice bum I had – and for once I was able to agree! I like my bum – yeah it could be more toned, but it is fine as it is for a woman in her mid forties! He liked my boobs too - said gravity had been kind lol! I've always thought they were a bit small. but maybe small does have its advantages when growing older!

An ex said one of the nicest things to me recently: “To me it wouldn’t matter if you were a size 18+ because you are a beautiful person inside.” I wish I could believe that body and be completely comfortable with you and have that inner confidence shine through no matter what you look like on the outside...

10 comments:

  1. I found your blog as I'm doing the workshop too.

    You look beautiful. Such a lovely smile.

    I also want to say that those men did not deserve you. A man who makes fun of your size, or your hair, or judges you for gaining or losing weight, men who cheat. Not one of those men are worth even half of what you are worth. I would say from reading it you didn't act insecure. Those men made you feel insecure.

    You look fab, and from the little I've read of you you have a wonderful sense of humour and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

    Roxilicious82 @ Simply Roxilicious!

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    1. Thank you - having read some of the other blogs and what other folk have been through, I feel so shallow for letting what a guy thinks make me feel bad! I really want to get a complete f** it attitude by the end of these workshops!x

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    2. It's not shallow, any negative comment by anyone can really damage. But in some ways more so when you open your heart to someone. They know your insecurities so know how to hurt you more.

      Yeah that attitude can be a good one!

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  2. Firstly, thanks so much for doing this. Secondly, I'm so sorry you've met so many horrible men! The thing with us women is we've been programmed to please men, and a lot of them expect to police our bodies. Rather than men accepting women's bodies wax and wane all through our lives and it's perfectly natural, they drop ultimatums. If we don't please them visually any more, they go off to find someone else who'll live under their diktat. What a pile of shit. They were all shallow idiots who lost out on you. Fuck 'em.

    There are some decent men out there somewhere, and I hope you meet one....but in the meantime learning to love yourself will attract good things into your life - I'm sure of it. You've got a cracking figure for a woman of ANY age, and I hope as the months go on you gain confidence and realise what a little belter you are! x x x

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    1. Aw thank you! I was trying to find some pictures of me larger, but I think I have deleted them all - especially one of me in Cyprus that just made me cringe, when really I should have gone f**k it - there are worse things in life than putting on weight - I am still me, take me or leave me, whether that is me at size 18 or 8! I think these workshops are a fantastic idea and I have loved reading all the other blogs - they have been inspirational! x

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  3. Rhonda!!!! I didn't know you were doing this! Awesome!

    I have to admit to being surprised when I saw your name and read your blog. I know a bit of the history you've spoken of and men have been just complete ARSES to you. You never deserved that. Also where you blame your insecurity for the breakdown of your most recent relationship, Naaaaah. A person who places ultimatums on you by suggesting if you got bigger he would leave you???? So he was with you purely because he found you physically attractive?

    I have always thought you were absolutely beautiful, You can wear the awesome clothes I long to be able to but can't, because I am that size 18 that you mention. You have a quirky style which I love and you stand out in a crowd. I think unfortunately because you DO stand out and are so attractive, you have got into relationships with men where it was on a physical level for them. In other words, they were shallow so-and-so's.

    As with Leah, I hope you meet a decent bloke. They do exist. I'm lucky enough to have found one and you will too. If any man EVER places his own ridiculous impression of perfection upon you, tell him to fuck off! xxx

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    1. I have yo-yoed between size 8 to nearly size 20 at times...I just don't tend to post pics of me when I am bigger...and I think you have seen me when I have been much smaller! Thank you for your kind comments - I just don't see myself as a pretty girl - maybe I make up for my lack of inner confidence by wearing clothes that make me stand out a bit - like a superficial confidence??? My last relationship was with SIm - who was at your hen night - he first knew me when I was 8/10 and yeah, I think he was with me then for superficial reasons - when we went out again this time I started out at 14 or so and he seemed Ok with that, but he didn't let me meet as many of his friends and I think he was always a bit embarrassed by my size - so when I went up to 16/18...hmmmm....he just started devaluing me in many other ways....then poof, gone! I really do have to get that f**k it attitude sorted out!!!

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  4. I'm also doing the workshop and I applaud your bravery and honesty in this letter! I can completely relate to the comments from family. My weight has yo-yoed throughout my life and I always got comments from my family about it. They never seem to realize that they were doing more harm than good. And as for all those men, they didn't deserve you. You are beautiful and they should never have joked about your appearance or cheated on you. You are worth so much more. I look forward to completing this workshop with you!

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    1. Thank you! Family grrrr, yeah they do a lot of harm! Mine always give a little sting to their comments as in no matter what size I am there is always something slightly negative to say about it! Once I had a relative tell me if I got any bigger I would explode, but when I lost some weight that same person told me I looked like I was from a refugee camp *sighs* lol!!!! I'm really looking forward to the rest of the workshops too!

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  5. Such a great letter although sad at times; thank you for sharing. As for men...I think it takes time to learn to please yourself and not others! For a long time I felt unworthy of any attention and would blame my body for any backlash, but that's changed over time; anyone that makes an intentionally negative comment about my body is straight out of my life! I'm looking forward to reading your future posts x

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